Journaled this on May 2, 2010 on another site

I don’t know if I had ever shared this here, but way back when I was out there in soon-to-be-divorced land, and then recently-divorced-oh-my-god-I-haven’t-dated-in-ages world I was on a few dating sites.

There was one dating site in particular that was excellent — mostly because I met a lot of nice people there, both men (to date) and women and men to befriend.  I had taken myself off that site by hiding my profile after I met the man I am dating now, but then returned so I could help a friend figure out the site, and to reconnect with other friends to see what was going on in their world. I really like this journal entry I posted at that site because it describes a bit of what I am about, and after reading it it feels right to share it with you all/the universe… if we share our hopes and plans maybe we will all get to where we need to be, right? As (luck?/fate?/fortune?) would have it, I am with someone that is doing the the relationship dance with me. I feel very blessed.

What I Want

May 2, 2010

I want someone to be in my life and someone who wants me to be in his, spending as much time and space as practical.  I would love to live with my romantic partner, but at this stage of my life – with having a home and things that makes combining difficult.

But the intention is there… to be able to wake up next to someone and see their messy bed head, hear them snore at night, waking up at times finding that the covers have been stolen.  Someone to do those daily ritual dances with… who gets the shower first or perhaps we can share?  Do we eat and then shower, does my partner enjoy morning conversation (I do) or are they a “just leave me alone I need silence and I can’t converse more than a grunt kind of person”.

I know that I am flexible and truly accepting of other people’s habits.  I hope I can find someone that isn’t mad that I am a sunny, bright, cheery person… understands that I love to stay up late but can get up early too.

I want to be with a person that likes to talk about things – real things.  Not just the weather, not just what went wrong during the day.  Someone that wants to talk about how the sun made them feel good and what are we having for dinner. Can we cook something together?  What are you craving?… how about a game or a movie?  Oh, you need some time to get things together for tomorrow – that’s cool, it gives me a chance to catch up on my email or read. You know I have been thinking about my family and friends and the fact that they are getting old and dying.  Can we talk about loss and loneliness and fear?  Will you understand that even though you are in my life and how much joy I have that you can deal with the fact that I can be sad and lonely too – without a hard, bottom-line reason?

I want a person that likes to spend time with my friends, and has friends that he can share with me.  Casual entertaining – not getting too weird about how the house is lived in and not picture perfect. Someone that can carry on a conversation that is positive and enjoyable and beyond the weather or sports.  Hey, I have found a really good wine that I would love to share with you – how about getting together soon for a potluck or shared dinner.  Or how about meeting at a local restaurant?  Are you game for a game – how about some cribbage or dominoes?  Let’s get together some snacks and have a nice relaxed evening of conversation and kicking back with friends that know how to share.

I want someone to travel with – someone that can take me to the places he has enjoyed in the past – someone that has places he still really wants to visit.  Nothing fancy, just traveling and having flexible plans.  No, I don’t want to just lay in the sun, or go out dancing and drinking.  How about finding out where the locals go?  Good food, good walking, getting out in nature and seeing historic or beautiful sites.  Someone that doesn’t need to do hard camping, but isn’t afraid of getting a little messy.

I would love to find someone that likes to do things that take time and effort and practice.  Working with their hands, having a creative skill – either in their job or their hobbies.  Someone that can understand why I get so much enjoyment out of making a necklace, or knitting a shawl. Someone that likes to create – music, writing, crafts.  Someone that would appreciate how much it means to me to give them something that I have made, that the time and energy I have used means that I love them, more than just buying something that is practical or looks nice.

I would love to be with a person that can appreciate the fact that I am a mature, experienced woman who has a history that includes things that have hurt me.  No, I am not a victim, but sometimes I will react to your words in a way that lets you know that it isn’t just about what you said, but how you said it and even beyond that into that it wasn’t about you at all — that your words triggered a past pattern that I haven’t quite healed.

And yes, I notice that sometimes I say or do things that create something in you that feels like it doesn’t belong to us here in our now relationship.  I won’t fall apart if you disappoint me, I understand that you can’t always be upbeat and cheerful, but I do expect you to have good boundaries and have the capacity and willingness to say you are sorry – even if you didn’t mean to hurt me, if I am hurt, please say you are sorry.

I would love to be with someone who can love me, cherish me, accept me, tease me, prod me onto doing the things that I need to do to become a better, more balanced version of myself.  Someone that will let me love him, tease him, accept him, enjoy him.

I want a life of nice, easy sharing.  Loving life, loving to be together.  Allowing space when needed. The ability to talk about things without shouting, without pointing a finger or blaming.  Knowing that if I have a habit that is irksome that you will be kind enough to bring it to my attention, and give me the time to try to modify my behavior. Someone that knows that you can teach an old dog new tricks, and yes you are an old dog too.


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