Journaled this on May 2, 2010 on another site
I don’t know if I had ever shared this here, but way back when I was out there in soon-to-be-divorced land, and then recently-divorced-oh-my-god-I-haven’t-dated-in-ages world I was on a few dating sites.
There was one dating site in particular that was excellent — mostly because I met a lot of nice people there, both men (to date) and women and men to befriend. I had taken myself off that site by hiding my profile after I met the man I am dating now, but then returned so I could help a friend figure out the site, and to reconnect with other friends to see what was going on in their world. I really like this journal entry I posted at that site because it describes a bit of what I am about, and after reading it it feels right to share it with you all/the universe… if we share our hopes and plans maybe we will all get to where we need to be, right? As (luck?/fate?/fortune?) would have it, I am with someone that is doing the the relationship dance with me. I feel very blessed.
What I Want
May 2, 2010
I want someone to be in my life and someone who wants me to be in his, spending as much time and space as practical. I would love to live with my romantic partner, but at this stage of my life – with having a home and things that makes combining difficult.
But the intention is there… to be able to wake up next to someone and see their messy bed head, hear them snore at night, waking up at times finding that the covers have been stolen. Someone to do those daily ritual dances with… who gets the shower first or perhaps we can share? Do we eat and then shower, does my partner enjoy morning conversation (I do) or are they a “just leave me alone I need silence and I can’t converse more than a grunt kind of person”.
I know that I am flexible and truly accepting of other people’s habits. I hope I can find someone that isn’t mad that I am a sunny, bright, cheery person… understands that I love to stay up late but can get up early too.
I want to be with a person that likes to talk about things – real things. Not just the weather, not just what went wrong during the day. Someone that wants to talk about how the sun made them feel good and what are we having for dinner. Can we cook something together? What are you craving?… how about a game or a movie? Oh, you need some time to get things together for tomorrow – that’s cool, it gives me a chance to catch up on my email or read. You know I have been thinking about my family and friends and the fact that they are getting old and dying. Can we talk about loss and loneliness and fear? Will you understand that even though you are in my life and how much joy I have that you can deal with the fact that I can be sad and lonely too – without a hard, bottom-line reason?
I want a person that likes to spend time with my friends, and has friends that he can share with me. Casual entertaining – not getting too weird about how the house is lived in and not picture perfect. Someone that can carry on a conversation that is positive and enjoyable and beyond the weather or sports. Hey, I have found a really good wine that I would love to share with you – how about getting together soon for a potluck or shared dinner. Or how about meeting at a local restaurant? Are you game for a game – how about some cribbage or dominoes? Let’s get together some snacks and have a nice relaxed evening of conversation and kicking back with friends that know how to share.
I want someone to travel with – someone that can take me to the places he has enjoyed in the past – someone that has places he still really wants to visit. Nothing fancy, just traveling and having flexible plans. No, I don’t want to just lay in the sun, or go out dancing and drinking. How about finding out where the locals go? Good food, good walking, getting out in nature and seeing historic or beautiful sites. Someone that doesn’t need to do hard camping, but isn’t afraid of getting a little messy.
I would love to find someone that likes to do things that take time and effort and practice. Working with their hands, having a creative skill – either in their job or their hobbies. Someone that can understand why I get so much enjoyment out of making a necklace, or knitting a shawl. Someone that likes to create – music, writing, crafts. Someone that would appreciate how much it means to me to give them something that I have made, that the time and energy I have used means that I love them, more than just buying something that is practical or looks nice.
I would love to be with a person that can appreciate the fact that I am a mature, experienced woman who has a history that includes things that have hurt me. No, I am not a victim, but sometimes I will react to your words in a way that lets you know that it isn’t just about what you said, but how you said it and even beyond that into that it wasn’t about you at all — that your words triggered a past pattern that I haven’t quite healed.
And yes, I notice that sometimes I say or do things that create something in you that feels like it doesn’t belong to us here in our now relationship. I won’t fall apart if you disappoint me, I understand that you can’t always be upbeat and cheerful, but I do expect you to have good boundaries and have the capacity and willingness to say you are sorry – even if you didn’t mean to hurt me, if I am hurt, please say you are sorry.
I would love to be with someone who can love me, cherish me, accept me, tease me, prod me onto doing the things that I need to do to become a better, more balanced version of myself. Someone that will let me love him, tease him, accept him, enjoy him.
I want a life of nice, easy sharing. Loving life, loving to be together. Allowing space when needed. The ability to talk about things without shouting, without pointing a finger or blaming. Knowing that if I have a habit that is irksome that you will be kind enough to bring it to my attention, and give me the time to try to modify my behavior. Someone that knows that you can teach an old dog new tricks, and yes you are an old dog too.
Peace
Why did I do that?
If you go back far enough on this blog you will see that my photos are missing. That is because I made the decision to let my zenknit.com domain name go. I guess I wasn’t thinking it all the way through, because that is where I had stored all my photos for this blog.
I still have the photos – transferred them over from my knitting site to my regular site, but I still have to re-point each post’s photos to the new address. So far I have 1 of 14 pages of posts done.
So… I guess I will be busy for a bit.
Knitting news. I am working on knitted and crocheted blankets for Project Linus. I did one mint green in the sideways shell patterns (photos to come later), and I am working on 3 more. One I will finish tomorrow, it is a knitted ripple done in green and blue. Another is about 1/2 done, in 2 colors of pink but I ran out of yarn and can’t find a match, so I am thinking of doing the 2nd half in another pink color. I know that sounds weird, but it is a diagonal pattern so it should look nice anyway. I also have another knitted afghan going that I am really enjoying. It is made by knitting a small rectangle, then doing short rows to create corners, and from there you pick up the edge stitches and keep working around and around.
I did another full baby afghan in white for donation too but decided to dress it up a bit for a gift for Wally’s new great/grandniece (you can say it either way). More on that and photos on the next post.
Peace
Long time no post and end of year
It’s almost a new year. I don’t know why a calendar date makes such a big difference. Perhaps it is the promise of a different tomorrow. I am just so thankful for each day and hope the next year brings many more moments of good things for all of us.
2010 was wonderful. Full of more changes, being busy, some travel both in Minnesota and recently to Las Vegas – yeah me!
I did a bit of knitting and crochet for holiday gifts. Here are a few things to share with you:
Afghan for Kiera
I have been working on this crochet ripple afghan for a while. I had it in my “need to do” mind hopper for a while and couldn’t really start until my grandniece landed on her favorite colors (she kept changing her mind). She finally told me and promised not to change her mind so I felt it was safe to get from the planning stage into the doing.
She picked pinks and blues and allowed me to use white. This is mostly from very vintage stash but as usual, I had to buy new yarn to finish it and now I have about as much pink, blue and white yarn as I did before – how does this happen?
I used my usual “planned random”, that being, as random as I can stand. Because the dark blue was so stark I felt like I needed to plan the placement. I also did some planned white – color -white arrangements. Most of this is acrylic, I also used some wool/acrylic sock yarns held double.
I wasn’t there to see her open it but my sister said she really loved it. Yeah!
This next gift was for my sweetie. I finished it a long time ago (July?) and almost forgot to get it out to stuff with other gifts.
Stocking for Wally
This was made from acrylic yarn as well. Non-knitters aren’t usually yarn snobs and this was the only yarn I could find in just the right color. If you look closely you will see purl stitch patterns on that dark blue. I didn’t want to do a design in white or another color – wanted it to be subtle and texture vs. colorwork.
Here it is with the man himself.
I will have some other finished and in-process projects to show you soon!
Sweetie and Stocking
Peace
A Slice of Romance
Summertime brings a lot of knitting during conversation. Out and about – be it at the park, or coffeehouse, or waiting for the movie to start. With summer I need something light to knit – so it is socks and shawls it is!
I have a lot of nice sock yarn – too many hanks or balls for just socks, and the hand dyed yarn just begs to be knitted into something a bit more flirty. That is what a shawlette is all about. And small shawls are great for cool offices and chilly movie theatres too!
I searched around on Ravelry for small shawls and shawlettes and found Citron. It is a pattern from Knitty.com I love Knitty because the instructions are usually full of nice photos – different than magazines where they pose things to hide mistakes and are going for art vs. showing us what the finished product really looks like.
I had a hard time at the beginning because I was assuming that the pattern was perfectly symmetric and it isn’t at times. So if you knit this one up, watch out. I might not have noticed it except that I very big on getting exact counts. I finally quit assuming and read the pattern – OH!
After that it was just a matter of using my stitch markers to help me count once the rows got really long, and marking off my rows on my pattern. Citron is very peaceful knitting – counting the increases was fun and very easy. The yarn changes kept me amused and it was just nice to have something that didn’t take a lot of concentration. I didn’t rush on this one…started it up on the 20th of February and finished the 3rd of July.
I set out to block it right away. My friend Wally was coming over to help me celebrate the 4th and since he likes to see my crafty creations I wanted him to see how I block a shawl. It didn’t take long to dry, even though it was plenty moist out. But I did end up putting the fan on just to be sure it was bone dry so as not to get stinky. It looked so pretty all laid out but even prettier off the foam blocks I use for blocking.
The colors are (to me) romantic, and so I posed it with the flowers that Wally gifted me – so sweet! It seemed appropriate to name my flirty shawlette my “Slice of Romance”.
Peace
Stage Mother
Color me proud.
My daughter will be in an upcoming theatre production at Carleton College. I am just beaming.
A friend asked me if I knew of anyone that would fit this particular part, and I offered her up as a suggestion, no audition necessary. We made arrangements for her to move into her role. I knew I would miss her, but felt like getting her out there where other people could experience her was a bigger, better goal and would fulfill her needs beyond what I could give her. Especially since I have been kind of ignoring her. Oh, there were always plans for some one-on-one time but other things got in the way and I must admit, I have really been neglecting my beautiful daughter.
So the day came when she was picked up so she could get used to being onstage and to learn how to get along with the other actors – you know, rehearsals.
Once she was gone I realized that I didn’t have any recent photos of her. Can you believe that? My friend took some of her on stage – not interacting or rehearsal so much as patiently posing and waiting for the others to come and play. She looked gorgeous and I was so excited to share these photos with you but then we forgot to transfer them to my computer. I will get those on the blog asap, until then, here is my one stock photo.
It doesn’t show her natural beauty and talent, but it is better than nothing.
I am sure you will want to see her in her role as “spinning wheel”. While just a small part and certainly non-speaking, I think she will be on stage for a good chunk of time.
I am really looking forward to the production – besides my daughter’s involvement there will be things like knitting and animals and such.
Here are the details:
2010 Spring Theater Production
Haldor Laxness’ “Independent People” will be presented May 14 and 15 at 8 p.m. and May 15 and 16 at 2 p.m. in Arena Theater (Carleton College).
The production is under the direction of Eva Barr and John Musial of the Lookingglass Theater of Chicago. Ms. Barr adapted the play being produced by the Carleton Players
Independent People is a multi-faceted staged adaptation of the Icelandic novel of the same name by Noble prize-winning author Halldor Laxness. Set during the first twenty years of the twentieth century, the story follows a peasant family’s struggle to attain independence in a world that is dead set against it. Within an array of colorfully down-trodden Icelandic folk, we meet a son, Nonni, and join in his return journey to Iceland to finally “see” the father(Bjartur of Summerhouses) he couldn’t comprehend as a boy, and to understand the connection he and his father share to the girl he always called sister (Asta Solillja).
Friday, May 14th
- 8:00 pm – Carleton Players production of Halldor Laxness’ “Independent People”
Saturday, May 15th
- 2:00 pm – Carleton Players production of Halldor Laxness’ “Independent People”
- 8:00 pm – Carleton Players production of Halldor Laxness’ “Independent People”
Sunday, May 16th
- 2:00 pm – Carleton Players production of Halldor Laxness’ “Independent People”
PLAYERS PERFORMANCE RESERVATIONS
To reserve seats for an upcoming play, please call 507-222-4471. Leave your name, the date and time of the play, and the number of seats that you would like to reserve. Productions are general admission and free of charge.
And here is a really good review of the book, on which the play is based, Iceland’s Stoic, Sardonic ‘Independent People’
Please come see her and if you do, be sure to let me know what you think.
Update, here she is on stage along with her actor friend, “Rock”. I don’t think it is just me… doesn’t she just steal the scene?
Peace
Joy, Peace, Forgiveness and Renewal
I love Spring and the celebration of Easter. To me, Easter is a time of Joy, Peace, Forgiveness and Renewal. It’s a wonderful mix my traditional Catholic upbringing blended with flavors of my many religious and spiritual experiences.
One of the traditions of the season is going to the Marjorie McNeely Conservatory here in Saint Paul, MN. My sister Chaachi and I headed out early Saturday to just take in all of the beautiful colors, shapes and wonderful smells of the flower and plant displays there.
It was an especially emotional trip for me. There was just so much going on inside me. A maddening mix of emotions – the pure delight of seeing and smelling plants and flowers, how much I wished a special someone was there with me, and remembering past trips with my family.
The rest of the day was just as sad and sweet. Chaachi and I headed out to restaurant that we like and discovered that it was out-of-business. We went to another and had a very nice meal. Then off to a grocery store so I could buy eggs and dye. In the store I noticed several people wearing tie-dye shirts which made me smile, because I was wearing one too! In the parking lot I spied this tie-dye car and I just had to take a photo.
Then when leaving the shopping mall I saw another bug with the license plate, “slugbug”. Cute!
Back home again, I did some renewal = cleaning, shared some sad emotions with my mom, my friend/twin and my sister. The rest of the day into evening was kicking back, dyeing eggs,
cooking a meal, and watching a DVD with my sister.
I hope your Easter is just as full and sweet. Thank you for being here with me today.
Peace
Catching up
Life.
-sigh-
If you are looking for knitting content, you will have to content yourself will looking at the photos, and hopefully near them will be little bits of info.
Ready?
Life is always wonderful – every little juicy bit, though sometimes I wish my life was a little less crying kind of juicy.
Perhaps it is because I am in a particularly emotionally fraught time. I am now in the
I can’t believe I still have my period! Do I still have my period? Damn, yes I do…or maybe not. ARGH!
time in my life. I wish there was a switch in my belly button to turn off the baby making parts of my body. At 48 going on 49 it just doesn’t seem fair to have to worry about it all – especially seeing it has been a part of my life since I was eleven. Enough is enough!
So for whatever reason, I have been crying a lot and feeling lonely too even though I am surrounded by loving friends and family. Hmmm, the family part is both loving and crying producing lately. But feelings aren’t rational and they are valid even if they don’t make sense – I tell myself that a lot lately.
Lately, I have been missing that closeness of being married. And then I realize that when I was married I still felt alone, and then that thought makes me want to cry even more. I know everyone goes lonely bits of times in their lives but that makes me sad too – the fact that we are all surrounded by so much love that seemingly can’t get in. Why? Because.
I don’t worry about money or resources or things. But I do tend to fuss over time, thoughts and feelings about whether people can feel and accept the love I have for them, and my constant struggle with being understood.
I know I need to let go – so I am doing a lot of Reiki and meditation. Trying to breathe and settle and be.
Watching a movie and reading helps, but sometimes that also fuels the fire of loneliness. Most movies and books are about miss communication or lack of communication, longing, heart break, you know, LIFE. But one of my biggest beefs about movies and books is the drama of it all, all the withholding of emotions – not communicating true feelings – ACK!
So then I turn to the peaceful meditation of my knitting, or even just getting onto Ravelry and looking at everyone’s beautiful creations, and I start opening up my knitting magazines and books and perusing my stash, making plans. And usually peace comes back. I just love all the parts of a project, the planning, the yarn, the process and the finishing.
I have a
ccomplished a few things lately. Here they are:
This is a modified version of Charlene Schurch’s Ridged Feather from her book, Sensational Knitted Socks. It is my go to pattern because I love the way it fits and I have knit it so many times I don’t have to think it through. It looks wonderful in striped yarn or variegated. I have the pattern written up in code in my little sock knitting notebook.
I cast on the mate right away and can hardly wait to finish. I love the colorway, which is much more beautiful in person.
Next, here is something I finished a while ago, but haven’t shared yet:
I found the pattern for this scarf, Three Sisters Scarves # 
Two by Monika Steinbauer, on Ravelry.
I found the pattern very easy to do and took off knitting it but then had some second thoughts, first I realized that there was a mistake in the pattern so I ripped back and started over. Next, I was loving the colorway of this Cherry Tree Hill sock yarn (Cherry Blossoms) but variegated yarns done up in eyelet patterns can either look too busy or the pattern is lost in the yarn. So I dunked the end that I was knitting and did a quick block on a towel and left it to dry on the top of my radiator – Denise needles connected and all. I liked it enough to continue and eventually finish, but I still need to do the real blocking and finishing.
If you look at the photo the scarf end at the top is unblocked and the bottom is quick block.
It is almost past scarf season, but I will have it handy for when the snow flies next year. It will look good with my brown coat and is feminine without being flouncy.
I am also working on another set of dishtowels. I have 2 dishclothes and one hanging towel completed, and am now on a regular hand towel and hope to have enough for a knitted sponge thing. I will post photos soon.
Right now I am in the midst of a yarn snarl from hell and am this close to just cutting the yarn, but I don’t have any more of that color. I may go out and buy some more and even though it won’t be the same dye lot. It is just a towel set, not a sweater so no big worries there.
And just writing about it makes me want to go out and get some more yarn. That way I will have enough for a good sized towel, especially if I can unsnarl the soon-to-be-clipped mess!
Thanks for those who have made it all the way down here. I hope you are finding peace and contentment in your life, and if not all of it, at least your knitting and other crafts.
A different kind of Holiday season this year
This year I am not in a mad dash to finish a huge pile of projects. I have been busy with big life changes: a divorce and all that goes with that, getting a full-time job, meeting new people, dealing with illness in my family, friends’ life changes – you know, LIFE.
And usually I would be knitting or crocheting through all of these things, but this time I just didn’t feel the need to do that. But now that the big life changes have settled it is time to fill moments with knitting and crafting again.
Lately I have been knitting more – simple things like dishcloths. I finished this set for a friend:
Although it is not a colorway that I would have chosen, I think it turned out pretty nice. The set is based on the Knit Nutt’s – The Squidge Cloth. Done up as dishcloths, a hand towel and then used Nancy’s hanging towel and just subbed in the stitch pattern for the whole towel. There was also a Four-corners dishcloth added to the set that I had knit earlier that wasn’t in the photo. If you look really carefully there is also a Tribble (tawashi/sponge thing) there in the photo too.
Now that my friend has moved to a new place with new kitchen colors we have realized that something with a little more POW! would be nice. Perhaps a blue set? So that is on my “Something to do” list, maybe for Christmas or a “just because” type of gift.
Back to Holiday gift-giving. I am toying with the idea of either buying those spice mix sets one sees at every craft fair lately, or perhaps make some of my own and pack them up in some nice jars. I think everyone would appreciate a nice brownie, cake or goodie/snack mix around for those times when you feel like having something good to eat but haven’t been out shopping lately. So now I am in the hunt mode to find either one recipe that I can make in mass quantities or really customize it to the individual giftee.
Wish me luck, and if you have any suggestions or ideas….
Peace
Rebirth / Birthday
I had a birthday on the 28th of September. Yeah me!
Although I am only 48 – it was still an important one. And now I am wondering, why do we make a big deal about the 10s? Hmmmm, anyway, I celebrated for about 3 days. 2 days before and then on the actual day.
On the 26th I celebrated with some Reiki pals. I was a part of a Reiki healing share where we get together and do group healing and eat (of course). Nice group of people and especially nice was getting to celebrate with my “twin” Mary. We share the same birth month and day, except she is only 47 this year. Her girls gave me a very nice card, and a special birthday cupcake – sweet!
No time to knit because I had to scoot over to a new friend’s place to start the 2nd celebration. Here are some photos from that part:
A special birthday cake for ZenKnit (Susan)
Happy but boy do I look tired!
Sweet!
I guess I am starting to look my age. But that is very okay. It is very nice to be what you are. A nice older woman *grin*. I can’t really claim to be middle-aged unless I am planning on living to 96. That is a bit of a stretch. But honestly, every day is a great day.
On my actual birthday I went to work and then had dinner at my mom and dad’s place. We have a tradition where mom makes our favorite meal. Mine is swiss steak and vegetables and for dessert, confetti angel cake and ice cream – sweet!
But back to days and time… I have been having a lot of odd dreams about the end of things. The funny thing is in the latest dream, the sun disappeared and I thought that it would be important to gather up all of my knitting (especially socks) and sock yarn because it was going to be very cold and I didn’t know if I would be back at my home – there was something about trying to decide if I would go to live with my twin Mary (great gardener) or head out for a trek to other places to seek out comfort and strength (newer friend).
And then I woke up. Although it was kind of a weird dream, it was quite nice in that:
- I felt safe
- I had plans
- There was knitting!
Peace!
ZenKnit 